How We Fight

McHubs and I had a good, long conversation last night, which was odd because neither of us are really "phone people". He's at a leadership workshop, and had been given homework that he needed to work with me on (or "the person that knows him best"). There were two questions he needed me to answer. The first asked how I felt that he handled conversations that turn (or start) difficult, or when he's "triggered". The second asked what I felt he could change to be more useful.

The former was easy. McHubs and I don't fight a lot. Or much at all. I think I can count on one hand the number of times we've fought in the past 6+ years. It's not that we don't disagree, or get angry at each other, because we certainly do. In earlier years McHubs would completely shut down. His attitude would be very "whatever" and I would do everything I possibly could to avoid confrontation and conflict, often just outright ignoring it. I grew up in a household with a lot of fighting and I hated it.

Neither method of dealing with conflict is healthy, and we became aware of the price our relationship was paying for our inability to face and work through confrontations. We split up for 6 months because we were both avoiding handling our problems….none of which were major, but resentments fester when not addressed.

When we eventually came back around to each other it was with an understanding that we can’t just pretend our problems don’t exist, especially now that we’re married. That does not make for a healthy marriage. McHubs now makes a point to be actively engaged in those tough conversations, and I don’t run away from them. I make an honest effort to explain (calmly) what I’m feeling and why and he makes an honest effort to understand my side of things. We start out with the assumption that if we’re fighting about something major there was likely a miscommunication somewhere along the way and we try to identify and address it.

During our talk last night, which evolved very naturally from discussing how he handles confrontations to how we, as a couple, fight, he explained that he often gets frustrated with me during these times. I tend to have long moments of quiet where I try to reign in my temper. I don’t like answering immediately, especially if the topic has emotional land-mine potential. I don’t want to speak to him out of anger, because I know I’ll end up saying something I don’t mean and regret. I would rather answer from a calmer, rational place. If I’m angry with him I want him to understand why, and I want to be able to explain it to him in a way that doesn't come off as attacking him. I have no desire to yell at him. I lived through enough yelling. It seems counter-productive.

Anyway, until last night I didn’t realize how frustrating those silent, collecting moments are to him. In his mind, I was trying to avoid the topic and he felt the need force the conversation anyway so that we wouldn't sweep it under the carpet. In my mind, I was trying to give myself a breather so I could respond calmly and not out of anger. This very problem came up at one of his workshops yesterday, and he was advised to "let it bake" i.e give me a chance to think things over rather than just responding in the heat of the moment. Which is what he's been doing anyway, but he felt justified hearing that it was okay to give me time to chew on a topic for a few minutes without feeling forced to immediately respond and that it wasn't just punting the conversation. He felt better about the way we handle conflicts and believes that knowing that I'm just considering what I want to say and not wanting to speak out of anger will give him the patience in waiting for my response that he's been otherwise lacking.

The second question, what he could do differently, was much harder to answer because while the way we handle confrontations is very effective for us, it's hard to extrapolate that to his job. After mulling it over for a long time I thought about how tense he gets when he's waiting for me to respond and how that can sometimes put a lot of pressure on me to answer immediately. Tension rolls off of him. So working on body language was my answer, and I think realizing that I'm thinking about an answer rather than trying to ignore the problem will help, at least in our relationship.

It was a very enlightening conversation for the both of us, and I think it will help us deal with hard conversations more effectively.